you gave your body to the lonely

I am never, I repeat, never, letting myself go like I did last night ever again.

Winter break started out pretty okay, until I decided to act dumb and do something I knew I shouldn't have done. The first day, I went to church with Liz and ended up hooking-up with Peter. Why why why why why I don't know why. I spent Saturday with my dad; the whole house smelled of paint. Sunday, I went to the Gibson Amphitheater with Jackie, Melissa, and Christian to see Weeeezy. The show was amazing.

Then yesterday, our group hosted a little semi-formal Christmas party. It turned out to be the farthest thing from "little"; Paul, Liz, Jackie and I stayed for like an hour, then left to go back to Liz's house to get duh-ruuuunk, but Peter was there and had to spoil all the fun. So yeah, I got tipsy and Peter practically tried to molest me in the downstairs garage. Not only did he try this while I was drunk and completely incoherent; he tried this right after I had already told him to fuck offff. I felt so digusting afterward :(

It's really hard to not talk to someone that you want to talk to. It's that stupid "playing-hard-to-get" shit; it always works, but it's the hardest thing to keep up. I think, for once, I'm just gonna go with the flow and not try so hard to get what I want. Maybe if I just want it badly enough, it'll come to me.

My mom and I are way better now, so that's a big improvement. She's like more chill now about me going out, and I don't even have a curfew during break. I've come home after 2:00am for the past four days in a row, and she hasn't said shiiiiit. Either she dgaf, or she's just too tired to say anything. Anyway, Christmas Eve is tomorrow! Whooo, I'm excited for presents and family [:

everything i once had

59 days since my last post
1 boyfriend, had and lost
10 days since the break-up
3 days spent crying over it
2 new interests as of today
4 orchestral performances this week
245 dollars spent on x-mas gifts
5 days until winter break
23 days drink- and smoke-free

I hate life. I hate love. I hate everyone right now. I'm ready to give up.

i want life in every word

I can't even begin to explain everything that's been happening. I don't even feel like I'm alive; it's like I'm on autopilot without even realizing it. But good news: I officially have all A's and B's! Which means I'm getting off grounding for all the shit I've been pulling lately.

Sunday: Took care of beezness at Nothing Shocking with Liz and Isa (:
Monday: I don't even rememberrrr.
Tuesday: I left school around 2:00pm for some family court shit with my mom and Jules. The social workers appointed 14 months of Anger Management and therapy for my supposed "hidden issues". WTF is that?
Wednesday: PSAT! Got out at 11:30am, went to the [former] Voodoo Lounge and bought another piercing for when I get my bottom one done. Then got double-bailed on twooo people. I'm so overrr that shit.
Thursday: Got bailed on again by Aaron. I'm done giving that fag so many chances. I keep trying to re-connect with him, even after all the shit I heard from Bree, but he obviously doesn't give a flying fuck.
Today!: Jackie and I didn't speak to each other the entire morning over some stupid homework shit, but we got over it by last period. Fuuuuck, I'm s'posed to be in the shower getting ready for tonight. I'm picking up Jax round 6:00pm and going to Liz's house. Thennn we're gonna see some movie down at Birch and have a girls' night out (:

jigsaw falling into place

I swear, my chronic tardiness is a result of my birth. I was born two weeks late, and now I'm late to everything. This morning [technically, yesterday morning], I got out of bed at 5:37am because I had to be at school by 7:00am for the Rosary Day ring ceremony. Guess what time I got there? 7:42am, running my ass in four-inch stilettos. Oh, and I almost ate shiiiiit on the grass. The whole two-hour mass was a total sleep-inducer, and Lindsay and I got fucken skimped on our solo. We finally got our rings and ran up to homeroom to grab our tickets after what seemed like years. After everything was over, I went with Liz and Jax to Esperanza Burger to go get lunch for Paul, Scott, and Joe. We got to EHS just in time for their lunch break, but the anal-retentive administration dickwads wouldn't let us in through the front gate, so the guys had to come out to get their food. We stayed and talked for like twenty minutes, and then we had to leave so we wouldn't be late for our junior-class picture at Disneyland. We would've made except . . . my assured tardiness got in the way. We were exactly eight minutes late to the photo shoot and ended up not being in the picture at all. Not to mention, Jax and Liz both paid for photo sets. Good thing I never buy that stupid school photo shit; what a waste that would've been. Nevertheless, we were all pretty bummed that we missed out on the photo. But look on the bright side; at least we even made it to Disneyland in one piece, what with all that running and dodging we had to do in order to get there.

Ah, Disneyland; the Happiest Place on Earth? More like the most stressful place on Earth. You spend half of your time waiting in seemingly endless lines, one-fourth of your time looking for the people you're supposed to be with, and the other one-fourth riding attractions that usually aren't even half as tricked-out as you expect them to be. Fuuuuuuck that; I'ma stick to Boomers' mini-golf (: Honestly, today was such a fucken bust. Jackie, Liz and I were constantly fighting about the dumbest shit, and the night ended horribly. Lindsay and I aren't talking as of two hours ago, and Jackie can't make her mind up about a decision that should be so damn obvious to her. And I'm pretty sure I gained about nine pounds from hazelnut coffee, chocolate-covered caramels, and Goofy taffy alone. We had all planned to stay until closing time at midnight, but Jackie's mom picked us up at 11:00pm because our feet were falling off and the cold was starting to numb our bodies. I just wish things had ended on a better note; it's usually always my fault when we get in fights. Aside from my other vows, I need to make one that includes being less of a fucken cunt to Lindsay. She's one of the best things that's ever happened to me, and yet I treat her worst than the dirt beneath my feet because she's so easy to pick on. I know it's fucked-up, but I swear I'm going to change for the sake of our friendship.

I just watched this random movie online called Lars and the Real Girl. It's about this guy who's never really experienced true love, even though he has a perfectly decent girl pining for him. Instead, he ends up following for . . . a blow-up doll. In the end, she "passes away" from some fatal illness, and he ends up courting the girl whose affections he had ignored before. It probably sounds like the dumbest shit ever as I'm explaining it, but I swear it's one of the chillest movies I've ever seen. Speaking of lost love, I'm no longer talking to Aaron. No texts, no calls, no messages, nada. And the best part? He doesn't even realize that I'm doing any of this. I'll just keep him in the dark until . . . uh . . . whenever I feel like it? Yeeee, I guess that's all I can do.

Alright, it's almost 2:00am and Jackie is already passed-out in bed next to me so I'm gonna crash out anyyy second now. I'm gonna re-watch Charlie Bartlett online again, then try to catch some sleep before getting shipped off to my dad's tomorrow.

bones sinking like stones

Real eyes realize real lies? BULLSHIT. Is it just me, or is everyone out to fool anyone? It amuses me how a so-called friend can act fine and dandy when you happen to run into them, even when they've been hooking-up with your ex for the past month. But who's fault is that? Mine, for saying I don't give a shit about what he does or who he does it with. And I guess to a certain degree, I really don't care, but at the same time, it gets on my fucken nerves every time I have to hear about his countless sexcapades. I could go on blabbing and blabbing and blabbing about the guys that I fucked or hooked-up with or had a thing with, but unlike Aaron, I actually have the class and consideration to not spread shit about my personal life so it'll get back to my ex. I need to move on from this pointless bullshit already. I mean, it's not like I don't have any other options; I have more than enough! But it's hard to let go, as much as I want to.

So today, Bree and I made up over the fact that she ditched me when I was fuuuuucked-up last month. We had lunch with Shay and Lauren, which was random as hell, but it helped me realize a lot of things. She told me a bunch of stuff about Aaron and what he's been doing, and it's pretty fucken obvious that he's been playing me this entire time. How can you text someone telling them how much you still love them and how you haven't hooked-up with anybody lately, when you've been hooking-up with two of her best friends for the past two months!? That, among other things, completely baffles me.

Tomorrow's Rosary Day! Woot woot. I'm wearing a strapless satin-silk-lace lavender and jet-black strapless mini-dress with four-inch stilettos. And then after the ring ceremony, I'm going to Esperanza with Lindsay and Jackie to see Paul. I'm getting him Del Taco for lunch; hopefully we'll make it through Campus Security. I'm excited for tomorrow! At least something is going right this week.