you gave your body to the lonely

I am never, I repeat, never, letting myself go like I did last night ever again.

Winter break started out pretty okay, until I decided to act dumb and do something I knew I shouldn't have done. The first day, I went to church with Liz and ended up hooking-up with Peter. Why why why why why I don't know why. I spent Saturday with my dad; the whole house smelled of paint. Sunday, I went to the Gibson Amphitheater with Jackie, Melissa, and Christian to see Weeeezy. The show was amazing.

Then yesterday, our group hosted a little semi-formal Christmas party. It turned out to be the farthest thing from "little"; Paul, Liz, Jackie and I stayed for like an hour, then left to go back to Liz's house to get duh-ruuuunk, but Peter was there and had to spoil all the fun. So yeah, I got tipsy and Peter practically tried to molest me in the downstairs garage. Not only did he try this while I was drunk and completely incoherent; he tried this right after I had already told him to fuck offff. I felt so digusting afterward :(

It's really hard to not talk to someone that you want to talk to. It's that stupid "playing-hard-to-get" shit; it always works, but it's the hardest thing to keep up. I think, for once, I'm just gonna go with the flow and not try so hard to get what I want. Maybe if I just want it badly enough, it'll come to me.

My mom and I are way better now, so that's a big improvement. She's like more chill now about me going out, and I don't even have a curfew during break. I've come home after 2:00am for the past four days in a row, and she hasn't said shiiiiit. Either she dgaf, or she's just too tired to say anything. Anyway, Christmas Eve is tomorrow! Whooo, I'm excited for presents and family [:

everything i once had

59 days since my last post
1 boyfriend, had and lost
10 days since the break-up
3 days spent crying over it
2 new interests as of today
4 orchestral performances this week
245 dollars spent on x-mas gifts
5 days until winter break
23 days drink- and smoke-free

I hate life. I hate love. I hate everyone right now. I'm ready to give up.